What is Avoidant Attachment Style?
Avoidant attachment is a type of insecure attachment that is a childhood
manifestation in adult romantic relationships. A person develops an avoidant
attachment style if their primary caregiver were unresponsive to their
emotional and physical needs. If the parent is dismissive, ignorant, or
avoidant to the child’s needs, then the child is going to suppress the
expression of these needs as a defense mechanism to protect themselves. Adults
with such an attachment style often find it difficult to form proper emotional
connections. They value their independence over everything and don’t feel the
need to express their needs with their romantic partners. They have very rigid
boundaries and don’t prefer to engage in deep connections.
Causes of Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant attachment style is caused by an irregular parenting style during the
formative years of the child. Parents who are overwhelmed with work or other
personal issues tend to neglect their children and their needs. When a child’s
needs are repeatedly not met or neglected the child will stop expressing their
needs. Other behavioral patterns that can cause a child to close up are when
the parents become angry or lash out at their children when they are crying or
need some affection, love, and care.
Signs of Avoidant Attachment Style
As adults, avoidant attachment style manifests itself in the following signs
and symptoms -
- Withdrawing from showcasing emotions
- Fear of intimacy
- Having a strong need for being independent
- High self-concept like high self-esteem
- Not being communicative
- Suppressing emotions
- Not being empathetic to your partner s needs
- Difficulty in trusting others
- Needing a lot of distance from partner
- Trouble seeking help from others
Managing Avoidant Attachment tendencies
Have you noticed that your partner exhibits the above behaviors? Have they
explicitly mentioned to you that they have an avoidant attachment style?
Perhaps you want to do something on your part to make it easier for your
partner in the relationship. Here are some suggestions to help your partner
out,
Build Trust
Avoidantly attached people don’t feel safe enough to trust others. Because
their needs were not met during their childhood, they find it safe to hide and
suppress their needs. In order to support your partner, you must build trust
gradually with them and show them that it is okay to express your needs and
wants in a relationship. This can be done by creating a safe and trusting
environment where you can be honest in your actions and words. If your partner
is able to rely on you, then they will slowly open up to you about other
things.
Build Intimacy
People with an avoidant attachment style run away from intimate moments. This
is because they have suppressed their emotions for years. To support your
partner and help create a fulfilling relationship for both of you, it is
important that you build intimacy with them. Avoidants don’t have an
experience of feeling loved and cared for and that is why they run away from
such moments. If you gradually build intimacy with them you are creating a
safe space for them to receive and reciprocate love and care.
Give them Space
While keeping the above point in mind it is important to remember that
avoidant people are likely to feel overwhelmed quickly with all the love and
affection you show them. From time to time it is also important, therefore, to
give them space. Your partner’s need for space must be respected and you must
not pressurize them to reciprocate feelings of intimacy. The more you are
needy or pushy towards them, the more they will pull away.
Open Communication
You must keep all lines of communication open with your avoidant partner. The
best way to communicate with an avoidant partner is to be clear and direct. It
is helpful to use “I” statements when expressing problems or concerns because
it leaves no room for blame to be created. You must clearly express what is
working for you and tell your partner that they must do the same. Practicing
empathetic listening is also useful to help your partner open up more. When
you are able to understand things from your partner’s perspective, they will
be more encouraged to open up to you.
Maintain Individuality
Remember that in every relationship, irrespective of what attachment style
your partner has, it is important to maintain some form of individuality. It
is healthy to rely on your partner but it is not healthy to be overly
dependent on them for every small thing. That is why you must strive to build
your own individuality. When you respect your partner’s need for space, give
yourself the same respect and take time out for self-support. When you are in
a relationship with an avoidant partner it is normal to feel like you
constantly need to do something to keep them engaged. But the more pursuit you
follow, the more you drive them away. So it is best to save yourself some
anxiety
and indulge yourself in some self-care activities and hobbies.
Having a partner with an avoidant attachment style can be challenging and
confusing at times. Now that you have taken a step forward to improve your
relationship with them, remember to take time to care for yourself as well.
This way you will be able to build a fulfilling foundation for the
relationship.